Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.