“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You Might Also Like
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny