[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
This has made my week.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
no
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out