Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Mmmm canned fish.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
What if the weather talks about us?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Meanwhile in Canada…
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Festive toon…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”