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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.