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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.