Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*