Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.