SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.