We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord