I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.