Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb