When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Good morning!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.