If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
yeah 😭
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..