My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie