You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.