COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.