I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.