If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”