I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in