My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I enjoy a good short stor
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Print is alive and well!!!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you