I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?