I love the National Park Service.
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
when someone rings the doorbell
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The happy life.. 😊
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”