I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
me logging onto twitter
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this