Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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All generalizations are stupid.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.