[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.