You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
That’s classic.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Oh. My. God.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka