Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.