{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Somebody call the cops.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.