I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.