You got this…
You Might Also Like
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂