Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack