Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
You Might Also Like
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Has science gone too far?
bro what is going on at twitter
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss