How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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we’re dead?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
ACED my prostate exam!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.