Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Sunday
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff