I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
School be like
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This is I, Robot all over again
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?