date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Just so funny
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what