Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.