do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Meat Cute
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything