*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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when dads have a rap battle
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Isn’t
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots