A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!