Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
You Might Also Like
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.