My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset