My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.