Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it