Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Bro what is this
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
This is a bad sign
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog