Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
How it started: How it’s going:
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf