When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change