Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
you will never know the true number of layers
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places