I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend